Life or Death
Those who follow me on social media and enjoy reading my blogs will notice that I have not been posting a lot here. These past three years have not been a walk-in-a-park for most of us. Many of us, me included, have lost loved ones, friends, and family to the Virus. It was a tough time for many people, but it was also a tough time for me. You may look at these fantastic images and think how happy I look in the sun and this Red Bikini. And you will not be wrong by assuming that the smile you see on my face is not conjured up but a true reflection of how I feel right now. I am happy. I had the most fantastic time with Lweendo at Posh Functions at Dinokeng Game Reserve, and I swam in this amazing pool in a teeny-weeny Red Bikini. But things were not always this sunny. For almost two and half years, I couldn’t see my mother, my siblings, my niece and my nephews, and things took a wrong turn, gradually and unawares. But this isn’t a blog about the misery of the past three years. It is a blog about choosing life rather than death.
The Importance of Family
I wasn’t sleeping properly, and I would catch myself begging myself to go to sleep, but sleep wouldn’t come. I kept thinking about relationships and how amazing it would be to have a boyfriend during the dark days of the past almost three years. So, I met a guy, and we broke up and I met another one and I hated him. What a blunder in character assessment I had made. I was miserable and I was alone. I was too scared to visit my friends in case I was asymptomatic and could possibly pass on the Virus to them and their kids. So, I stayed away. I isolated myself because that is what the media kept telling us we should do. I became sad and slowly dove into a deep depression.
I turned to alcohol to help me cope with all I was going through. I tried walking long distances to clear my head, but we live in a society not safe for women to walk alone. I was miserable, lonely and afraid. It was one of the darkest times of my life because that’s when I started thinking of not being alive anymore. Often.
My thoughts were so dark they scared me. And when things got too heavy and the walls seemed like they were closing in, I found the courage and picked up the phone and called my mother. In tears, I told her what I was feeling and how miserable I was. She was sad that her daughter was hurting but all she could do was pray for me. Mind you my mother lives on another continent and borders were closed. But she suggested I come to visit. All I had to do was get a visa. Then the worst happened. In December of the year 2021, South Africa was classified under the red Zone and borders were closed to travel. And I couldn’t go anywhere because my passport was with the British Embassy because I had applied for a visa a week prior to the red zone. This broke me even further. I was stuck in South Africa, away from my mother, during another December.
Money comes and goes but time spent with family is priceless
To make a very long story short. My passport came back in January, but I had already spent the money I wanted to use to travel on a huge birthday present for myself. So, I couldn’t travel. Months later. My 6 months visa was expiring, and this was May. I told my mom I won’t be able to make it to see her because of a lack of money and she insisted I make a way. Please come, she said. I arrived in the UK on the 1st of June. And I kid you not, that is when my healing began.
Seeing my mom made me happy. Seeing my family brought back the warmth I had lost in isolation. Seeing my niece and nephews brought back peace to my troubled mind and being loved and giving love made me choose life rather than death.
I’ve been back a while now and I’ve stopped drinking as heavy as I used to, I make better choices and live each day with gratitude. As I’m outside looking into my life over the past three years, I realize how bad things really were. I look back in tears as I write this blog. Tears of sorrow but also of happiness. That I’m no longer taking pain medication for a broken heart or overdosing on sleep meds because I had a terrible, lonely day. I’m so grateful for my mom, siblings and all the extra people that have joined our family.
But regardless of whether the parents you love are still living on earth or have crossed to the other side if you don’t have family close by, I suggest you create a chosen family. Community is how some of us function, heal and live, without it we die.
I hope this has been helpful in any way to anyone going through dark times.
Sending love and light.
Woolies Red Bikini and body love
Oh wow. That was intense. And we have not even talked about this red bikini Yet. So, the Red Bikini is from woollies. The Woolies red Bikini comes as separate pieces, but you can buy it as a set. You can shop the Bikini HERE. I went shopping with Lweendo and when I tried on the bikini it looked cute and fitting for a curvy queen. The idea that tiny swimwear is only for tiny people is absurd to me. Everybody has a summer body. Cause summer is for everybody.
Red Bikinis are flattering to any race or colour. I especially love red swimwear on my brown skin tone and curves.
So, most of us have gained weight over the past almost three years and I’m no exemption. I feel like I had stopped taking pictures because I was literally sad every day all day. I didn’t feel sexy, sassy, or self-confident. But this all changed while I was on vacation in the UK. What I do now is, eat healthily, live an active life and enjoy living. Life is too short to keep worrying about how people will judge you or look at you.
Instead, worry about how amazing you look and how you cannot wait to give people that stare a show. Taking up space is what we have been hearing we should do for the past few years. It’s time we start practising it.
I’m happy I have come out the other side and I’m able to continue doing what I love, which is blogging and just having in the outdoors with my camera. Some have not made it, and some are still struggling but you have been able to drag yourself out of a deep hole, I am proud of you. It’s not easy doing that.
All images were taken by Lweendo
The bikini is from Woolworths South Africa
And images were taken at Posh Functions, Dinokeng Game Reserve.
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