My heart felt as if it had been stolen, torn from my chest by someone who wanted no part of it.

 Well, you can’t have heartbreak without love,” Dan pointed out. “If your heart was really broken, then at least you know you really loved him.

For those of you wondering Why i havnt been posting as much as i used to, well, things in my life havnt been easy, I’ve been heart broken. And im not saying this to play the victim… Im just saying it. I have this tendency to justify why people do bad things to me and I’ve learnt that it’s never ok to do a bad thing to someone no matter what you think they have done to you… You don’t deserve to be hurt, they don’t deserve it either. The other tendency I have is to downplay my pain because there are bigger problems out there  like world hunger, poverty , chronic deseases etc than my little relationship issues. Even when I pray to God I downplay my problems because im reminded that there are bigger problems but, the Lord insists I talk to him about my seemingly small issues because God loves me as if i was the only one in the world.

To love someone takes courage . To trust them and be vunerable is not easy… and that’s why this breakup hurts me sooo bad… You believe he will fight for you, you believed him when he said you are the only one and you believed him when he said he doesn’t see a future without you but a few months down the line when the going gets tough… brothers forgets his promises and disappears as if he never loved you and have never seen you in his life.

Im hurting not entirely because we broke up, but because I believed his lies. Its hard to sleep or wake up… im in a constant  state of limbo… but im taking it one step at a time. Today i cried almost every one hour…  thinking about what i had lost. I remember thinking… I could have sorted it out, I could have made things better, calmed the situation but… I expected him to be the man in the relationship… I expected him to always know what to do…  I expected him to understand that I can get emotional  and that at those times im expecting him to be strong for the both of us.

But… things didn’t work out that way… I was left to figure things out on my own… is it my fault we broke up???  I don’t think so but I don’t think he thinks it’s his fault either… but… such is life.

Breakups are hard especially if you thought you’d spend the rest of your lives together but breakups are also easy… leaving a toxic relationship is,  in the long run good for you.. letting go before youve spent years wondering if he would have ever proposed, is a nightmare. We either in or out but a time waster is not welcome.
( a man that doesn’t care about you will not try to stop you when you want to leave… one that cares will try to convince you to stay )

How does a man not fight for you when he promised you a life together. In all things, in life , we learn that a way out should never be the first option when things get tough. Real men are few out here… the ones we meet these days have fragile egos…  Im insecure so the man i want shouldn’t be… imagine if we both insecure how would we bring each other up. Im emotional … the man i have shouldn’t be and when Im weak.. he should been strong.

Im a very private person but this hurt me so deep I couldn’t help but tell the people close to me … I couldn’t stay with all that pain by myself… so I told my friends who would listen and not judge me. And everytime I talked about it… I cried, I didn’t just cry.. I did the Kim Kardashian ugly cry. Lol. I cried so much it felt like im crying because someone had died… shame… when I think of how it all happened  I question if I will ever love again… open myself, be vunerable again. I dont think so thou… some events change your life, and some events change the course of your life  and some events erase your so called life.

This feels like death… but we will mourn and in the long run… we will be fine.

Xoxo