Its amazing how conscious i was about “being fat” six years ago, compared to now. I say that only because i feel like i had allowed myself to gain the weight i never wanted. 10 years ago, i was very skinny, but i wanted curves. I didn’t like “looking like a boy”. So i started eating more animal based protein. I gained a little and was very proud of myself. I maintained that weight until around six years ago when i was diagnosed with depression. The doctor said i should get on anti-depressants. I refused. But that was the beginning of a life in hell.
You would think because depression is not a “tangible ” disease so you wont need to ‘cure’ it, but that’s not the truth. I suffered in silence and i suffered by myself. Alone and stuck in a prison created by my own mind. The prison in my head was the hardest to overcome because i carried it with me. I was a prisoner everywhere i went. I was in a corner, in a prison with bars, in my head. It felt like someone else had taken over my mind and i couldn’t do anything about it. It was really tough.
Things became so bad that i subconsciously started using alcohol to escape my reality. After a year, i would go drinking every Friday. After two years i would drink a glass of wine every night to help me sleep, as i started suffering from insomnia. After there years, i drank everyday after work and spent most of my money on alcohol. I would have my last R200.00 and choose to buy six cans of hunters dry, than food. I started gaining weight though, because my metabolism had slowed down and i slept a lot more-alcohol induced. I gained the weight everywhere. It was horrible.
I started on diets that would allow me to keep drinking alcohol but “assist me” in losing weight. Last year i did the keto diet. High fat, moderate protein, low carb. I did it for a good 6 months. I lost six kilograms but gained it all back when i started eating ” normal food” again. It wasn’t sustainable . Plus, high fat diets don’t work with my body, so i decided to quit the drinking and only drink on occasion or twice a month. I also decided to stop drinking by myself and only drink with friends. I was tired of looking sickly cause of hunger, and i also got tired of looking five years older than my actual age. And i got tired of always sleeping and watching my life pass me by. And i googled how i used to maintain a good body weight on mg blog and realized all i had to do was decrease on the meat intake because i had used meat to get curves and weight , a long time ago. Oh wow!!! And so the path to loving myself again began.
I decided to go on a high veggie diet, and start including fruits back to my body. Im now on a high fiber meal plan, moderate carb and low protein or no protein and no sugar. And i recently enrolled at the gym.
I still haven’t started with anti -depressants because my doctor said if i don’t wanna take pills, i should go to the gym at-least four times a week. The gym assists me in releasing endorphins which in turn help my troubled mind to stay in equilibrium. It also helps me to be around people who are not my colleagues, a different social life, another escape. Its not a permanent solution but its helping. The permanent solution would be to take back 100% control of my mind, and I’m still working on that.
The other that has happened ever since joining the gym and sticking to a vegetarian diet is, I’ve lost a little bit of weight and this time, i wasn’t even trying.
I wake up every morning, drink a liter of cold water then drink my breakfast in the form of a green smoothy. Oh boy, I’ve missed bananas.
My smoothy consists of spinach, one banana, one nectarine and sometimes a dash of half a lemon juice. Its really delicious. Feels like beauty in a glass as i see how smooth and youthful my skin has now become.
For lunch i eat anything leafy greens and if I’m feeling real hungry, will include a slice of whole wheat brown bread with avocado. Its so delicious. I like creating different salads but i HATE lettuce. So my salads include, red onions, cucumber, tomato, olive oil, avocado etc. That’s the base.
A vegetarian diet isn’t calorie dense so after gym i get home and i sleep peacefully. Remember in paragraph three i said i used to have trouble sleeping? Well, way back, i stopped drinking myself to sleep and got over the counter sleeping pills. That helped me to sleep for months without waking up with a hangover or pooza face. Tjo guys… i’ve been through a lot.
Now after a hard days work on a vegetarian diet, i sleep like a baby. No alcohol, no pills. But to be fair, none of this breakthrough would have been possible if it wasn’t for prayer, especially my mothers prayers for me.
I’m not out of the woods yet, but i see the light. I’m more happy with my body and I’ve learnt to accept it and do what i can to make it better. Depression is serious, get help. Don’t allow a mental wound to get bigger just because you don’t see it. Talk to someone, do right by you.
How have you dealt with depression? Comment below.
Xoxo
B
