1. An emotionally abusive relationship will keep you from realizing your dreams.
Nelly’s Advice: Depression, stress and anxiety can only take you as far as your pain. When I was in an abusive relationship, all I thought about everyday was how to get through the day. My thoughts were never of ‘how can I conquer the world today’ because I couldn’t look further than myself. I was so busy trying to understand my present situation that thinking over and beyond the situation wasn’t possible. Every time I wanted to do something to better myself, my thoughts would revert to self-doubt and loathing. I’d ask myself stupid question every day. Do I really deserve this? Can I do better.
2. A person that’s broken will not support you with anything that you do.
As a girl, I want my man to support me. And as an independent girl, I don’t ask much from my man apart from support and love. I don’t need his money, because I have my own. So, when I first met my ex, all I wanted from him was love. I realized a month after I had fallen in love, that the guy I was dating was not happy. He was always sad, did a lot of self-loathing. It was annoying. But I stayed because I told myself if this was my husband, would I just leave? I need to learn how to deal with this now so that I can be able to deal with it in marriage.
I was the one supporting him emotionally. I couldn’t have a bad day because his was worse. I couldn’t cry on his shoulders because he was crying. I couldn’t be vulnerable because he was vulnerable. All I needed from him was some support but all I got was me giving and giving and giving. I couldn’t leave because I thought he needed me. If I leave, who would take care of him. Until my friends said, you are not his therapist, if he needs a therapist, he should book an appointment with a psychologist.
3. An emotionally abusive partner will not appreciate anything you do for him or him.
I remember being so excited to seeing him one weekend. i knocked off early and prepared a picnic for us. It was a surprise. So, I called and asked what time he will be knocking off and to find me at the park close to his house. He didn’t live too far from work. Around 4;15 I called again and he hung up, citing that he is busy and that I am disturbing him. I was so crushed. I had prepared such a beautiful picnic for us.
He finally got to the picnic after an hour. And I felt the need to apologies. He looked at the basked of food and said, he doesn’t eat most of the stuff with a disgusted face. Cheese, grapes, crackers etc. I was confused because I had seen him eat the stuff at one of his friends parties. My spirit was broken. But I stayed and only left 6 months later. It was a horrible 6 months.
4. You will want to leave an emotionally abusive relationship but it’s easier said than done.
Emotional abuse destroys your self-esteem, making it feel impossible to start fresh. I remember, a couple of months into the relationship, I didn’t feel beautiful anymore. He never complimented me. When we went out he would want me to cover up. After that, even I thought I wasn’t worthy of love or being looked at and admired by strangers. Before that relationship, I as single. And I would wear what ever made me feel comfortable and sexy.
But being with Kevin affected my self-esteem so badly. He made it seem as if he was the only one that could love me. And so why would I leave him if I believed that only he could love me. Looking back, I feel so stupid, I could have left a long time ago. But those are lessons learnt. Never to allow another human being to feel comfortable telling me that I’m not worthy. It was hard for me to leave because i had continuously been made to feel worthless and like there’s no better option for me
5. Trauma doesn’t stay with you forever, you will heal.
Whether its 5 months or 5 years, our brains are programmed to create new memories and to associate them with good things. But to begin healing you either must challenge the status quo or move away from the abusive partner completely. Give it time
6. Once you’ve healed, the past becomes a lesson, not a cage.
You can tell the signs of an abuser. I’ve learnt, having once been in an emotionally abusive relationship, that I don’t compromise on my happiness and I can tell when a person wants to control me. They are too bossy, tell you what you can or cannot drink lol and this is on a first date. This guy didn’t even know me but here he was ordering food and drnks for me. He didn’t even say; ‘can I recommend something’. That was the first and last date I ever went to with that guy.
7. You MUST HEAL.
Think of it this way, an emotionally abusive relationship is like being beaten up physically. The only difference is that emotional abuse hurts and scars the mind and heart. So, when you say that it’s just emotional and that ‘you are fine’ that’s a lie. If you don’t treat an open wound, it will get infected, take longer to heal and eventually leave a huge scar. Emotional abuse is like a physical scar, if you don’t treat it, close it up nicely and change the dressing now and then, it won’t heal properly. You need to seek help, talk, make amends and, as you forgive him, forgive yourself.
8. Never take anyone at face value. Do the digging before you say yes.
We as women are so quick to jump into the arms of a tall, dark and athletic build man without knowing the full story. We rush to ‘and they lived happily ever after. just because he says he loves you doesn’t mean he does. Can you really say that you know him? I figured that out too late.
My friend introduced us, we exchanged numbers and finally met for our first date. He came to the date with flowers!!!! I mean, tell me, have you ever gone on a first date and the guy brings you flowers? I saw a ring, a husband and 2 kids immediately. We dated but 2 months in, he stopped giving me attention and was always on Instagram. I asked to check what he was looking at. He gave me his phone, I went into his dms and found tons of conversations between him and a couple of Instagram models.
I was shocked, gave him back the phone then walked towards the bedroom, angry. He came rushing in and pissed at me that I was angry, threw me on the bed, held my hands together and started pulling down my track pants. I immediately started screaming because I thought he was going to rape me. Lucky for me it was December so it was quiet, so when started screaming, those that were around came to the door and threatened to call the police if he didn’t open the door, I couldn’t get loose of his grip. I thought I was strong, but a man is a man.
When he finally went to open the front door, I rushed to the door and ran out the first chance I got. I stood outside with the security guard and two male neighbors and just cried, he would have raped me if it wasn’t for them. Who was this man? I vowed, from that day onward, to get to know him before falling in love.
Be careful trying to fix a broken person you might cut yourself on their shattered pieces. It’s not your job to fix people.